"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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