Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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