I just cut my nipple shaving
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
