woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
