take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
