You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
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The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
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You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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