when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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