You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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