i may or may not be watching the land before time
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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