Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize