Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
