i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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