i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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