Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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