I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
