Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
