eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
