shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
