Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
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I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
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I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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