next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
