Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
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Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
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Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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