I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
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I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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