I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
