Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
