Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
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