checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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