haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
