How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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