I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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