i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
