Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
