I wish my penis had an off switch
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
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