still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
