You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
