Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
