If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
