uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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