My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Randomize
