Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
