I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
