i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize