hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
