Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
