Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
