I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
How external is "for external use only"?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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