Swine flu is the new snow day.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
