The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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