I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
