Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
