i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
my liver is dry heaving
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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