FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Randomize
