A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
