I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My dick has a subreddit
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
