But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
