just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
