Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
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