OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
