Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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