i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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