You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
honey bunches of taint.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
