k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
if only i could text you this smell
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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