I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
