I just made out with a guy for $7.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
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Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
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I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.