my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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